Is The Pain Going To End……..Ever?


Broken.

I try to stay focused and positive. I try to do all the right things. I follow my Dr.s advice.

I go for walks with the dog and kids. I am eating my gluten-free diet. I am taking my Naturopath remedies. I rest when I am supposed to. I write this blog to get my emotions out. I did the petition to support my Painie Community.

I read books. I watch TV. I rub hormones on my body. I take hormones through a pill.

I go to all my Dr.s appointments. I research all I can on the Internet. I talk to other Painies out there.

I breathe through my anxiety attacks. I try to laugh as much as I can. I try to ignore the loneliness and loss this illness has cost me.

I have learned many new skills so that I can distract myself from the pain. I try to not take my pain killers to kill the pain.

I smile and nod and say ….. Yep, I am good. I am grateful when people say “Wow, you are looking so much better.” I know I have lost a lot of weight and bloating through the Gluten Free diet. My clothes are looser and my wedding rings are almost back on.

So, if I am doing everything right……how come the pain is still there?

I try not to think about it. I try to say…..it is in my head….it will go away….maybe it is just a pain arc…..maybe it is just for an hour. It will stop, it has to….I am doing everything they told me to. I HAVE been doing everything they have told me to.

I see the expectations on my kids and husbands faces. They see the weight going. They see me walking with Opie and going to more school things. They are carefully waiting for me to be 100% back to normal. Although, my kids know normal as me fat, sick and in pain.

I am trying to keep my temper about things, because I feel so angry. Why can’t it stop? What did I do to make this pain be? What can I do karmacially to make it go away? Will it ever go away?

Will I be like this forever? Limited, weak, stunted?

My eldest is swimming competitively. I used to do that. I watched her at practice last night and dazzled by her ability. She cuts through the water like a knife. I want to be in there with her. She doesn’t want to ski – but I was a ski instructor (the youngest in Ontario in 1986) and I want to teach her. Both my girls want to learn how to ride horses. I did that too. I want to do those things.

I don’t want my life to revolve around dr. s appointments, prescriptions, pain arcs, hot water bottles, rest time and restrictions.

I want to just be. Why can’t I? Haven’t I served my sentence? Don’t I get paroled? Or something?

Why am I still after 8 1/2 years not able to go to a party? Not able to go out to the Zoo for a full day? Not able to volunteer as a coach for my daughters swimming team. Not able to sit through a dance class to watch my daughter tap dance? Why can’t this pain let me go.

I want to see my friends. I want to maybe have a job where I am out of this house and out with the world. I want to be of value and not a burden.

Most of all, just most of all……I want the pain to end. Will it?

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9 thoughts on “Is The Pain Going To End……..Ever?

  1. 8 1/2 years! I’ve only been suffering for 4 but I can totally relate to your post. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I do what the doctors say, I take meds, meditate, do breathing exercises, and so many of the things you list above. But the pain is still there. It seems I’m always suffering from allodynia along with my chronic migraines. I feel trapped by my own body. I take better care of myself than anyone I know, yet here I am feeling as though I’m decaying inside.

    I don’t have anything to add other than… I feel you. I know that sometimes it’s not enough to hear “you’re not alone”… but I hope it helps. You’ve captured what so many of us feel constantly. — “Will it ever end??” I hope that it ends for all the “painies” out there. But until it does, at least we have each other.

    And I thank you for your blog. Selfishly, it helps me feel not so alone.

    ~Abby

    http://chronicheadaches.wordpress.com

    1. Isn’t it sad that I am comforted by others pain? But I am and thank you for the support.

      I know how you feel about the decay. When I was on way more meds last year – I felt sick. To the core sick. I know that baby steps are releasing all the crap from my system, but shouldn’t there be something out there that will take the thorn out of our paws?

      I will add your blog to my links roll.

      Thank you,

  2. Kathleen,
    You have echoed what is in my heart…. I can’t thank you enough! I am with you on this, dear Sister-in-Pain. I’ll send you some of my healing karma, and maybe a spoon or two now & then.

    Gentle Hugs,
    Andrea

  3. Have you read the book “Break Through Pain” by Shinzen Young? It helped me shift my perception of the pain I experienced to something much more manageable.

    Best wishes

    Paul

  4. I know that question, will the pain ever end, all too well. I’ve been in pain of one sort or another all my life; the facial pain started in 1997/98 and even after a nerve block never goes away. My teeth ache (but there is nothing wrong), using the computer makes my whole face hurt (all along the jaw line and up/down through the teeth. Moving the wrong way makes my neck spasm even more than it usually does. And, as you know, the list can go on and on for me.
    “I feel your pain,” sounds trite and shallow. But I do understand the emotions you so evocatively wrote in this and your other blog entries. But, just think of what you have accomplished so far this year: lost weight, started a blog and facebook group, shared a vacation with your daughters, etc. Would you thought that possible before you took firm hold of your pain issues and sought the kind of treatement that worked for some aspects of your pain.
    You have every right, of course, to feel the negativity of pain; being trapped in a room with no windows, and only a sliver of light from underneath the door to remind you there is another world out there. You want to go out and play: “Pain, Pain, Go Away, Kathleen wants to come out and play.”
    Sending you healing thoughts and (((((hugs))))); good things may yet come.

  5. This is a beautiful and very sad post. Thank you for taking the time to share it.

    Be strong, and remember that you have a lot of friends online rooting for you. You will get through this.

  6. I relate very well to your posting. I also have chronic pain and other health issues. We are chipping away at it though. Pain is very real whether it is physical or emotional pain. After a long and grueling struggle trying to find treatments, I finally found alternative therapies that are helping the most: craniosacral therapy, acupuncture and pain psychologist. I am off medications (a horror story in itself). You are not alone. I understand the isolation, and I am also blogging about my journey with two blogs. I wish you the best in your journey.

    fergiemoto.wordpress.com

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