I try to stay focused and positive. I try to do all the right things. I follow my Dr.s advice.
I go for walks with the dog and kids. I am eating my gluten-free diet. I am taking my Naturopath remedies. I rest when I am supposed to. I write this blog to get my emotions out. I did the petition to support my Painie Community.
I read books. I watch TV. I rub hormones on my body. I take hormones through a pill.
I go to all my Dr.s appointments. I research all I can on the Internet. I talk to other Painies out there.
I breathe through my anxiety attacks. I try to laugh as much as I can. I try to ignore the loneliness and loss this illness has cost me.
I have learned many new skills so that I can distract myself from the pain. I try to not take my pain killers to kill the pain.
I smile and nod and say ….. Yep, I am good. I am grateful when people say “Wow, you are looking so much better.” I know I have lost a lot of weight and bloating through the Gluten Free diet. My clothes are looser and my wedding rings are almost back on.
So, if I am doing everything right……how come the pain is still there?
I try not to think about it. I try to say…..it is in my head….it will go away….maybe it is just a pain arc…..maybe it is just for an hour. It will stop, it has to….I am doing everything they told me to. I HAVE been doing everything they have told me to.
I see the expectations on my kids and husbands faces. They see the weight going. They see me walking with Opie and going to more school things. They are carefully waiting for me to be 100% back to normal. Although, my kids know normal as me fat, sick and in pain.
I am trying to keep my temper about things, because I feel so angry. Why can’t it stop? What did I do to make this pain be? What can I do karmacially to make it go away? Will it ever go away?
Will I be like this forever? Limited, weak, stunted?
My eldest is swimming competitively. I used to do that. I watched her at practice last night and dazzled by her ability. She cuts through the water like a knife. I want to be in there with her. She doesn’t want to ski – but I was a ski instructor (the youngest in Ontario in 1986) and I want to teach her. Both my girls want to learn how to ride horses. I did that too. I want to do those things.
I don’t want my life to revolve around dr. s appointments, prescriptions, pain arcs, hot water bottles, rest time and restrictions.
I want to just be. Why can’t I? Haven’t I served my sentence? Don’t I get paroled? Or something?
Why am I still after 8 1/2 years not able to go to a party? Not able to go out to the Zoo for a full day? Not able to volunteer as a coach for my daughters swimming team. Not able to sit through a dance class to watch my daughter tap dance? Why can’t this pain let me go.
I want to see my friends. I want to maybe have a job where I am out of this house and out with the world. I want to be of value and not a burden.