Today is a bad day. I have no air conditioning and it is causing my nerves to go haywire. This doesn’t help my current mood of depression and sadness. Today I feel very sorry for myself and just can’t get out of the funk.
Sometimes it is so hard to get up and get going. For some of you, you know I design websites and blogs for people. I don’t charge people even close to what other charge and always do extra work for people without pay. I thought that might count for something. Apparently it does not.
I know that it does take me longer to get things done for people, simply by the fact that I can’t sit on the computer for as long as someone who is not disabled. I also am trying so desperately to get better. There have been days I vomit for 50 hours or cannot even get out of bed from sheer exhaustion in pain. However, when people have needed work, I get it done for them as best I can and in a good time frame. I also don’t charge close to what others do.
I state clearly that if someone needs to contact me – please CALL – as I can’t be on the computer for more than a few hours. Also, my computer is dying a sad death – and without me working full time – there is no income to replace it.
The darkness just seems to be closing in. I just had a client email me – I had done a logo for her years ago – and she had said when I need a site I will for sure use you. So, I gave her a logo at a significantly reduced price – another company would have charged her about $300. I just got an email – asking for more versions for someone else to design her website. WOW. I know people don’t know that doing graphic design requires about 15-30 hours for a design. She paid me $60 bucks for a logo that had 5 versions sent to her. Now she would like a resend – assuming without charge – to give to someone else to design a site. I had discounted her logo on the basis a site would be done with me. I don’t even have the software that I used for her logo.
So, here is my dilemma. For the first time in my life I don’t know what to do? I don’t know what I am supposed to do to make a living?
Pain has limited me in so many ways. Doing the Blog and websites has helped my creativity – but it also causes pain. Inside and out. I feel failure more than the average person right now. I can’t do it, I am not good enough, I suck. I am broken, bruised (ego and body) and so very, very tired of fighting.
PLUS – we just got hit with no air conditioner, leak (and subsequent replacement of oil tank) and I have to get a new computer (this is the only thing some days that keeps me from slitting my throat) – not to mention my gluten free diet – which makes a loaf of breads $7.99, my naturopath, supplements – hormones – prescriptions etc. all of which are draining our finances. AND now I have people nonchalantly telling me – ok – send me work you did revised w/o pay so I can go with someone else.
And I am not supposed to want to smash things all around me!!!!!!
Can’t anything, be easy for once in my life. Just easy. I am happy to make people happy and I don’t want to charge them. That is my downfall. I physically, can’t chase after clients, but I need money. The bills are stacking up – my meds, treatments, diet, equipment and not to mention the fact that I am not very good at being taken care of financially by other people. It just sucks and today I feel about as worthwhile as a cockroach. Wah me.
Thank you for listening to my self pity rant.